***** is a boy i met on the freeway the weekend of my 19th birthday. i had just got my first cell phone and felt like sharing the number with a carload of boys. we’ve talked ever since and hang out probably 3 times a year. he’s a total punk, ear/lip/nipple piercings. tattoos. also, he’s really cute. he lives in ******** and is a total small town boy. a good fun nice determined ambitious hardworking guy. a forest firefighter actually. every time he comes to van we meet up and usually he brings other girls with him. which is cool and casual. so friday we meet up. he looks really cute and i forget always but then i remember. we meet up with his girls. but this time he’s holding my hand. and i hear his one friend say ‘nice one man, she’s really cute’. weird. i wonder who she thinks i am. we dance and he keeps kissing the back of my head. and the top. and when people ask if i’m his girlfriend i say no and he says yes. and then i laugh at him. and then i tell him i’m going home to sleep and he says me too i’m coming and i say but i’m really just gonna really sleep and he says me too. so he comes and then we really do just sleep. but then it’s morning. early. and the sun is shining so pretty and bright through my window. and i’m so tired and gross. but ***** is mr. morning and he’s laughing and kissing my eyes and my cheeks and my neck and my ears and my hair and my nose and my collarbone and my forehead and my chin and my neck and my hair. and it’s so sunny and bright. and i’m so tired. but he keeps kissing. but not on my mouth. and my eyes are sleepy and closed and i just smile and then he picks up my guitar and he plays beautiful songs and he kisses my hair and my cheeks and my neck. but never my mouth. and it is love. it is. not in my heart. i don’t feel it. but i see it. and i see how beautiful it is. and i see how it could be. and now i can’t wait to be in it. with someone i actually do love. it was beautiful and clean and good. and then it stayed nice. and we got up and we went out for breakfast and we talked about homemade noseplugs and eggyolk in a squeeze bottle. and then he went home. and i couldn’t stop thinking about it. even now.